"Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" Review and Illustration by Tim

I’m what you’d call a pirate aficionado. Treasure Island is my favorite book, I have a pirate-themed room at my parent’s vacation home, and I count 2003’s “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl” amongst my favorite movies. 

However, the subsequent “Pirates of the Caribbean” films seem pretty polarizing. Most people either genuinely loved them, or viciously hated them. I’m a proud member of the latter group. “Dead Man’s Chest” and “At World’s End” got so wrapped up in convoluted storylines and featuring more and more of Johnny Depp’s Jack Sparrow craziness, that they missed out on that whole sense of fun and adventure that the first film has in spades. 

So when the powers-that-be acknowledged the shortcomings of the latest “Pirates” films and said the fourth installment would be a back-to-basics adventure featuring Blackbeard — who just so happens to be my favorite pirate — how could I be anything but excited?

“Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides,” carries on the tradition of the other films — it’s about an hour too long. The directing is fine, the acting (as usual) is top-notch and the special effects are downright neat. 

But just like its two predecessors, most of the movie’s problems stem from the writing. But where the first two suffered from complicated story lines, “On Stranger Tides” is the opposite. It’s almost too straightforward. 

Several times I felt like it was headed for some mind-blowing twist in the story only to discover that no, the story is really about as simple as it seems. I feel like they’re basically mistaking “story” for “exposition.” For instance, Blackbeard (Ian McShane) is a villain. How do we know this? BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER IN THE MOVIE MENTIONS THAT BLACKBEARD IS A VILLAIN. Even Blackbeard himself remarks, “I’m a bad man.” What does he do to show us just how “bad” he is? 

He kills a guy. 

But he doesn’t kill just any guy — that would be too easy. Instead, he kills a guy that has nothing to do with the plot. (Though, in his defense, in a movie this simple, it might have been difficult to find such a man.) But wow, that is one bad man, am I right?

Wait, isn’t this a movie about pirates? And, haven’t they all killed someone at some point?

Another example: Blackbeard commands a crew of zombies. That’s interesting, right? Right. Well, Jack Sparrow makes passing note that Blackbeard, “raises the dead in his spare time.” And he leaves it at that. I mean, seriously? I feel like the back-story to these characters would have made a more interesting movie than the movie itself.

The film is a race between three crews: England, led by Geoffrey Rush’s Barbossa, Blackbeard, and Spain. All of them are trying to reach the Fountain of Youth. And for a movie that’s all about “getting there first,” it’s incredibly slow going. There really isn’t even all that much pirating going on. There are no epic battles on the high sea, no real plundering to speak of, and there’s only one (that I caught) reference to the theme park ride that started it all! Though to be fair, turning an 8-minute attraction into a four-film, ten-hour movie franchise is an impressive feat. So the fact that there was any part of the ride left to acknowledge is pretty remarkable.

Ultimately, I had a lot of fun, and the movie is very much an improvement over the second and third piraty outings, but “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” still doesn’t quite recapture the fun and adventure of the first film. 

3 silver chalices out of 5


Review by Tim
Edited by Aaron