You saw the trailers, which filled you with doubt. Then, you read the reviews and they only confirmed your fears. You tell everyone you think they’ll be terrible, but deep down inside you have to find out, can that movie really be that bad? So you plan a clandestine red box raid in the middle of the night and head back to your house. You know the movies going to redefine terrible, but hey...it's just a dollar.
"Jonah Hex"
I haven't read any "Jonah Hex" comics, and after suffering through this movie, I don't want to. The first two minutes weave an epic tale of vengeance and betrayal. The remaining time is spent showing you the first two minutes should have been the whole movie. The mundane performances keep you from feeling connected, and the special effects are sub par. During a few shots you can even see the blue screen. The over-the-top-action could have made this a popcorn film, but it takes itself too seriously, making it laughable. The only gem I can dig from this grave is that if DC would fund this crap, then they will probably make an "Eclipso" movie.
One "Cheek Burn" out of Five
"Clash of the Titans"
Even with a banquet of special effects, but there isn't a lot of "Clashing" going on here. While I commend the filmmakers for putting in a semblance of a story, the plot is supposed to drive the chariot, not slow it to a crawl. The characters are over exaggerated and the small story is blown out of proportion. Moreover, the action is poorly choreographed, making it hard to see what's happening in the large-scale battles. It's not till the final battle that it becomes clear what's happening, but by then it's too late. The computer-generated environments are highly detailed and each creature is meticulously designed. There are enough nods and winks towards the original to give fans a false sense the movie might redeem itself, but it ultimately tumbles off a cliff and straight into the underworld, where it belongs.
Two "Bubo's" out of Five
"Cop Out"
I love Kevin Smith, but even with this film’s handful of genuinely funny moments, it's obvious no one knew what they were doing. The cuts are disjointed and events happen randomly. There are also countless stories going on at once, giving none of them enough screen time to become hashed out, while the humor draws from too many sources and feels disconnected . Each performer is great by themselves, but none of them feel like they are in the same world as each other. Bruce Willis does admiral work with what he's given, but he's forced to spend most his time reacting to the randomness of the other actors. There was potential for a great movie if only someone had forced Kevin Smith to think before he directed.
Two "Shoot outs" out of Five
"Alpha and Omega"
Take the worst porno you've ever seen, remove all the sex and cover up every sexual word with "howling" and you've got "Alpha and Omega." I'm all for hiding adult humor in kids movies, but with its lack of subtlety of any kind means any kid could figure it out. The creators loosely attempt to tell a story about a fun loving omega wolf who falls in love with a alpha wolf, but it’s bogged down by dull visuals and horrific acting. The backgrounds are flat and empty making it impossible to feel drawn in. If you can hold out till the credits, you're bombarded with storyboards and character sketches that scream "look, we tried to plan a good movie!" If you’re going to watch it, do it with friends who’ll be ready to mock it at every turn.
One "Howling Wolf" out of Five
Written by Chris
Edited by Aaron
I rented Alpha and Omega a month or two ago because I thought Aralyn would like it, and I wanted to kill myself.
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